When I was younger, I only had to think about me, I thought about myself, my clothes, my hair, and if had I forgotten to take the door key. I felt lucky, I felt desirable, I was made of iron, I was a tower of will and determination. Although turns out I am super vulnerable, and that anyone could blow holes into me with their lies, and their insults like a thousand shotgun pellets, and that my heart is still so easily broken, that I sometimes wished I didn't have such a big one.
Sunday, 5 June 2011
'Living life to the full', what exactly does that mean? what is the measure of life's true fulfilment?. When I am lying in my bed at night, I am my judge and jury, because as long as I have aspirations and affection for things, my existence is what I make it, not chance, not fate and certainly not god. So far my life is full of colour and delicious tastes, it’s good to sample bad recipes, expands the palate don’t you think?
So, what is youth? isn't it the innocence before the wisdom, before the awareness, before the discrimination and prejudice takes hold?, the ‘good old days’ that we find it hard to let go of, when things weren’t too complicated, we were living in a different stratosphere, immersed in the rapture of the unknown, when we didn't have to plan, or decide too much, when all emotions were watered down, never knowing true hate, true desire, and we never really knew blind anger, not like we would now.
At 48 I am tired.
Just when I have acquired some freedom, my body is starting to fail, I have given my all to my children my husband and home, and now my time is running out, so isn’t it time I was able to slowly deflate like some big plastic ball with a teeny puncture, and do what I want to do, and stop pleasing others outside my kin?
My family are my terra firma, my foundation my sure ground, I have shaped myself around them, they are my beautiful cast, I will try not to think about the negative sides to getting old, but the longevity that I will have with the power of passion, and love and creativity, for it will be with me all of my days.